Dominance and submission. There are people in this world who want to be told what to do. In relationships of the romantic and platonic alike.
My lovers are always dominated by me in a certain respect, giving up control of what their formerly held beliefs of what a relationship should be to accept my ways of loving. I have had quite the time trying to figure out the space as well as the closeness I need from a partner. It is easy to negotiate these spaces if I keep my self aloof. If I am too affectionate profess my love too much this often signals the end of a relatiobnship. Some how the more cold I am the more heat I receive. It is as if the constancy of the struggle to seek my attention is the draw.
I hate to need anyone for any thing. Unconciously they see that need and use the power of the domination to reset their own emotional instability. Their judgement/assessment of me becomes the way that they can explain the world around them. In relationships it is easier to be in control when a part of me is left unsaid. This is passive aggressive. I feel like I can't share because it seems to difficult to own up to a shortcomming. Also it often seems like my foibles are used to deflect attention from the person who stands in judgement over me. The way they cope is to feel my shakiness as contrast to their unscruitinized stability.
I feel like even my closest relationships follow this pattern. The less that is said of own narrative the more of me I can keep from being bandied about as conversation to keep the focus away from the speaker. Alternatively the less I say in these relationships the more I am loved because all of our interaction is focused on them.
Funny thing is I can usually tell my lovers that the are not respecting my boundaries. I witnessed horrific partner abuse as a child. I saw things that no child should see. I also learned that if there are no boundaries people will push and push until they have ground you into dust. I will never allow a person that cannot respect my boundaries as they come to access to my body. They will write their pain on me emotionally and eventually physically.
Friends on the other hand I tend to allow far more liberties. If I owe them anything I can feel the command behind every request and invasive probing behind every query.
Strangers being the variable over which I have no control if they are overtly agressive in their first interaction how I react depends on the first interaction. Usually though my aloofness is read as arrogance and I am approached aggressively very often.

I have learned to accomodate overt aggression. Other stand and fight I choose flight or placation. Lulling my confrontation away. I hate the fact that I do this but I learned it so young. I learned to keep the resentment I feel buried so deep that it takes up no room. Or at least it shouldn't. There is so much of it now that it spills from my eyes. The years have changed the first of these buried thought from murky slit in a still pool to hard layers of sediment. Stacked high in my psyche pushing outwards until it becomes granite encasing my face in the stony grin. The mask.
we wear the mask that grins and lies
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes
This debt we pay to human guile
with torn and bleeding hearts we smile